I Was Delirious While Writing This

Alice in Wonderland has never felt so real.  I put on that shade of lipstick that makes me look cheap, blushed, and dressed up in red and went wondering through the south looking for realization and shelter.

You've gotten fat my dear, you've lost what was important.  You've bloated with uselessness.   In the future I will ask you to tea in my neo-bohemian factory, and you can tell me about who's life you've been living.   And I'll tell you what I've done with mine.  You see, someone who relies upon others can have no perception of themselves.  And I know it must be difficult to fake it to make it in this world.  It must be exhausting.  But, Alice loves you.

And If you eat this you should grow larger, if you drink this you should grow smaller.  The size of his soul swelled and shrunk.

Alice looked on with satisfaction, if this is the way a human can change so quickly then there mustn't be any hope for the world of reality.  Because, if the
love one has is shaped by the body that's closest then who could ever stand firm in their decisions.

"But not all people are like that."

You will sip on your tea, and not look in my eyes, because you are too good at feigning shame. 

Cut off my head then, and then see if i am so deceiving?   Every part of me is lost in this society of liars, and liars out crying against lies.   And Every part of me in some treshire way seems dislocated but still important.   My ears hear you.  My lips remember you.   My stomach is sad.  My heart is beating.  My arms out stretch but there is so much space.  

And when i find the opening out of this world, it will only be so much stranger in reality.

murder;

If it's called a murder when crows flock individually they should be a suicide.   A grey cloud lingers, that wet smell promising cold weather.   I wish that it would snow.   Something big and white and frozen, something to emulate, something to pretend to be, something to hide in..

I wish I could disappear, or just stop caring.   

He's got this hot & cold thing that makes me wish I were precious.  The warmth  tastes sweet, feels soft against my finger tips, the cold is senseless, and haunting.   Empty.    And she's as sad as I am.  She is fear.   I'm not anything.   What am I?   

Expel the ghosts;  "free me." 

Swallow me up murder.

I feel as a single black crow, perched above myself.  An out of body exsperience.  I can see myself, waiting for snow, waiting to dispel.   And soul abscond from remains.   The single black crow that is myself waits, and wonders.   For, when will it snow.  

Love, the body.

Dear smile,

I've locked you away.  I hide you.  Everytime you come out you seem to run away.  I'm tired of losing you.

I hide a lot of things, i'm scared to death of losing my possessions.  My laugh, my love, that look in my eyes that show how uncontrolable my soul can be.  People don't see them anymore, but i know that i have these things and could feature them at any moment.  These things are mine.  My spirit.  My heart.  

To the outside world i would like to appear plain, and regular.  I'm tired of giving myself over to the people that will take joy out of myself, and then turn on me when they're satisfied.   

There was a time when i thought that with you i could win anyone over.  I still can't understand how i can wear you with such pride and have someone try to remove you from my lips.  Like words, stolen words.   How can people be so crule as to use yourself against me.   You which is part of me.  

I've locked you away because you are mine.   Not theirs.  

I will tuck away all these parts of me 'til there isn't anything left for anybody else.   And then maybe someone will come along and realize what they've done to you.   How they've defiled all these good things i've got. 

Maybe you can come out again, when there world is a less scary place.

Love, the body.

excerpt.

There was no forever, forever was too big a picture to assume when life had hardly begun.  

n.

fighting.

wake up, see smile.  smile at this smile.  continue smiling.  too half naked fools smiling.  refuse to move, stop smiling with lips continue smiling with shapes, holding on.  be forcefully removed from significant other of his own regaurd.  continue to cling. be forced out of bed.  be actually awake.

make breakfast without actually talking.  watch t.v.  Shower.  Get ready without actually talking while he plays video games on slow, old PC.  

Sit and watch more tv.  sit in his lep.  dangle arms around hs neck like a string of pearls.  feel less like a pearl and more like an  onion.  kiss cheek.  kiss neck.  lips kissed.  finger tips run up thigh.   hug.  hold.

go to work.  think about him.  often.  be trashed on, bossed around and jipped by coustomers, long to run home to him.   miss him terribly.  get off.  clean section.  drive home as fast as possible.  that one light is always red, red lights feel terrible.

met at door. kissed. loved.

fighting starts.  say something you don't mean.  but you do mean.  you don't mean to say it because you know in an hour it wont matter but say it anyway.   be angry.  be quiet.  be sad that there's nothing to say.  be sad that there is bad energy.

go out.  feel bad.  have limited conversation over dinner.   feel nervous.  anxious. 

Come home.   Get along.  Be happy.  Hug.  Kiss.  Love. 

Be provoked.  Say something you don't mean to say again. 

Go to bed angry.  Be followed to bed.  Leave the room.  Go downstairs to write, hope to be follwed again. 

Not followed.

go back up stairs.  go to bed.

repeat at beginning.